Scuttlebutt ׀ A Bounty of Coastal Humor…

Defining Terms in Sailing and Boating
 © Capt. Peter W. Damisch

Aboard: (1) a piece of construction lumber; (2) what one becomes when one is a-uninterested.

Anchor: (1) device designed to bring up mud & weed samples from the bottom at inopportune or unexpected times; (2) thing rotting in the bilge of ever racing yacht; (3) any of a number of heavy, hook-shaped devices that are dropped over the side of the boat on end of a length of rope or chain and which is designed to hold vessel securely in place until (a) wind exceeds 2 knots or (b) owner and crew depart or (c) 0300.

Bar: (1) long, low-lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbor entrances, where it is composed of sand or mud, and ashore where it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood. Sailors can be found in large numbers around both; (2) land-based nesting and pre-mating natural habitat frequented by sailors when they force themselves to go ashore.

Boom: (1) laterally mounted pole to which a sail is fastened, often used during jibing to shift crewmembers to a fixed, horizontal position; (2) loud noise made during surprise jibe sometimes quieted by a grinder before swimming; (3) sound that’s made when it hits crew in the head on its way across the boat; for slow crew, it is called boom, boom; sound produced when an alcohol stove is used to convert a boat into a liquid asset.

Boomkin: small, very young boom, less than one year old.

Bow: (1) gesture from the helmsman as he crosses the finish line first; (2) part of the boat that no one should have to work on; (3) best part of the ship to ram another with; (4) front part of catamarans often found underwater; (5) what you do after performing an outstanding docking maneuver.

Chart: (1) large piece of paper that is useful in protecting cabin and cockpit surfaces from food and beverage stains; (2) type of nautical map which tells you exactly where you are aground or what you just hit.

Compass: navigational instrument that indicates the presence of machinery & magnets on board ship by spinning wildly.

Course: direction in which a skipper wishes to steer his boat and from which the wind is blowing; also the language that results by not being able to.

Crew: heavy, stationary objects used on shipboard to hold down charts, keep anchor cushions in place and dampen sudden movements of the boom.

Dead Reckoning: (1) course leading directly to a reef; (2) what a southern doctor pronounces a sailor on his way to Davy Jones’ locker; (3) using a map instead of a chart.

Deviation: (1) any departure from the captain’s orders; (2) shipboard orders given by a landlubber; (3) a ship full of deviates.

Estimated Position: place you have marked on the chart where you are sure you are not.

First Mate: crew member necessary for skippers to practice shouting instructions to.

Flag: any of a number of signaling pennants or ensigns, designed to be flown upside down, in the wrong place, in the wrong order or at an inappropriate time.

Great Circle: (1) ship’s course when the rudder is jammed or stuck; (2) depression left in a seat cushion.

Grinder: crewmember stationed near the boom and who enjoys swimming 

Hatch: opening on a boat made to fall into.

Hazard: (1) any boat over two feet in length; skipper of any such craft; any body of land within 100 yards of any body of water.

Helmsman: (1) nut attached to the rudder through a steering mechanism; (2) one who might actually listen to the tactician; (3) crew member who might enjoy an uncontrollable jibe (see Boom). 

Marine Flashlight: waterproof location to store dead batteries.

Mile, Nautical: relativistic measure of a surface distance over water – in theory, 6,076.1 feet. In practice, after 4pm, approximately 40,000 feet; in winds less than five knots, about 70,000 feet; during periods of threatening weather in harbor approaches, around 100,000 feet.

Points: Traditional units of angular measurement from the viewpoint of someone on board a vessel. As follows: straight ahead of you; right up there; just a little to the right of the from; right next to that thing up there; between those two things; right back there, look; over that round doohickey; off the right corner; back over there and right behind us.

Propeller: underwater winch designed to wind up (at high speed) any lines or painters left hanging over the stern.

Ram: Intricate docking maneuver sometimes used by experienced skippers.

Sailboat Race: two sailboats going in the same direction.

Shoreline: used to dock boats.

Spinnaker: (1) large sail used in dead calms to keep the crew busy; (2) an extremely large, lightweight, balloon-shaped piece of sailcloth frequently trailed in the water off the bow in a big bundle to slow the boat down.

Square Rigger: (1) rigger over 30; (2) sailor who goes to sleep early.

Read more feature articles in the print edition of Waterfront Magazine.